Questioning Deep Inside Myself

I am drawn to this space tonight to engage in a conversation with myself.
A few weeks ago I wrote about an encounter with a friend that allowed me to bump up against myself. The deeper insight I have now is one of my old beliefs bumping up against new beliefs. Each time I stand my ground and allow myself to be authentic I feel a deep shaking from within my body (especially in the chest area). Each time I allow myself to breathe through the sensations I realize just how deeply hardwired the need to please is in my body. I know this is not who I am, nor who I choose to be in my world. I also know until these old experiences are processed in my body I will continue to invite situations in my external world that become a trigger to allow for movement.
In six weeks I will have no external obligations, no agenda except the one I create moment by moment. This will be my life. I will not work another day in my life. My life will be MY work in progress.
One year after beginning my WEL-Systems journey I am able to allow my title of my blog to collapse. Space and time only exist if I say so. Moment to moment, breath to breath is where life is happening, where I actually show up in my life.
I spent years living in the past, worrying about the future and wondering what other people thought of me. Now I get to choose my life and all I have to wonder is whether I honoured myself in the process.
What exactly is it I want to say? Why am I here in this space tonight? Why is it I led a life of putting everybody else first? Why did I apologize to everyone except myself? Why has it taken me so long to embrace the sensations inside my body that are mine? Why didn't I get any of this before? Why me? Why not me? Why perfect and not imperfect? Why see anything outside me as anything else but me? Why be here right now? Why pretend to myself? Why try to reach out when we are all dying because we are not reaching in? Why laugh when I want to cry? Why try to be the best outside when we already are our best inside? Why love when we can respect? Why be anything less when we know ourselves to be more? Why grieve a death and not celebrate a life? Why not experience every moment so we get to experience more of our lives? Why be quiet when we want to speak? Why sit when we can dance? Why hold our breath when we can fully inhale our potential and exhale more of ourselves to the world? Why speak when we can sing? Why walk when we can fly? Why speak when silence speaks to our soul? Why have the answers when the questions expand our potential? Why look at the outside when we are inside? Why have a conversation when a gaze is all that is needed? Why look away when we can embrace ourselves in the moment of discomfort? Why choose death when we can live?
Why not say FUCK IT here is my moment to no longer allow my past to be what defines me, stand strong in the discomfort and keep moving forward regardless of what others think! Here is my moment. Here is my truth. Here I Am.