I am drawn to this space tonight to engage in a conversation with myself.
A few weeks ago I wrote about an encounter with a friend that allowed me to bump up against myself. The deeper insight I have now is one of my old beliefs bumping up against new beliefs. Each time I stand my ground and allow myself to be authentic I feel a deep shaking from within my body (especially in the chest area). Each time I allow myself to breathe through the sensations I realize just how deeply hardwired the need to please is in my body. I know this is not who I am, nor who I choose to be in my world. I also know until these old experiences are processed in my body I will continue to invite situations in my external world that become a trigger to allow for movement.
In six weeks I will have no external obligations, no agenda except the one I create moment by moment. This will be my life. I will not work another day in my life. My life will be MY work in progress.
One year after beginning my WEL-Systems journey I am able to allow my title of my blog to collapse. Space and time only exist if I say so. Moment to moment, breath to breath is where life is happening, where I actually show up in my life.
I spent years living in the past, worrying about the future and wondering what other people thought of me. Now I get to choose my life and all I have to wonder is whether I honoured myself in the process.
What exactly is it I want to say? Why am I here in this space tonight? Why is it I led a life of putting everybody else first? Why did I apologize to everyone except myself? Why has it taken me so long to embrace the sensations inside my body that are mine? Why didn't I get any of this before? Why me? Why not me? Why perfect and not imperfect? Why see anything outside me as anything else but me? Why be here right now? Why pretend to myself? Why try to reach out when we are all dying because we are not reaching in? Why laugh when I want to cry? Why try to be the best outside when we already are our best inside? Why love when we can respect? Why be anything less when we know ourselves to be more? Why grieve a death and not celebrate a life? Why not experience every moment so we get to experience more of our lives? Why be quiet when we want to speak? Why sit when we can dance? Why hold our breath when we can fully inhale our potential and exhale more of ourselves to the world? Why speak when we can sing? Why walk when we can fly? Why speak when silence speaks to our soul? Why have the answers when the questions expand our potential? Why look at the outside when we are inside? Why have a conversation when a gaze is all that is needed? Why look away when we can embrace ourselves in the moment of discomfort? Why choose death when we can live?
Why not say FUCK IT here is my moment to no longer allow my past to be what defines me, stand strong in the discomfort and keep moving forward regardless of what others think! Here is my moment. Here is my truth. Here I Am.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Honoring MySelf and knowing I AM ENOUGH
In this moment I am aware how much IS and how much WANTS to be in flow in my life!
I had an experience this morning that created a lot of chaos in my body. I found myself bumping up against another person who I hold to be a friend in my life.
I allowed myself to ask the question- what am I bumping up against in my own life? Since it is never about the other person I allowed the wave to move inside MY body. If I had stayed in the intellect and analyzed it I would have continued to make it an experience outside of me. The wave of old information my body held would have become locked down because I wouldn't have been able to OWN it as my own.
When I reflected on and allowed myself to consider what the mornings experience was for ME I realized there was another culturally conditioned aspect of myself that was ready to move. The wave of information that moved brought the insight-I am no longer willing to create experiences to have others see that I AM ENOUGH in order to give myself permission to see it in myself. I Am IT! There will be many times in my life that I bump up against myself in the presence of another but I need to know it is simply an invitation for me to become MORE.
I had lived most of my life wanting to fit in and wanting to be loved. I have created many experiences in which people could see me as lovable, friendly and nurturing. I am still all of these things but I no longer need to be SEEN as these things. Hence the experience I created this morning. The beauty in all of it was in shaking my foundation I came to see that over the past year I have allowed my old (culturally conditioned) foundation to become replaced with more of an Authentic one- much more solid and stable. Does it mean I don't still have experiences that shake me to my core?-No, but when they do I know I will be able to stabilize and continue to move forward instead of stopping and feeling like a deer caught in the headlights, paralysed with fear. I am no longer willing to compromise myself for someones comfort and when I do this I know I am no longer teaching this to my children.
When I choose someones comfort I am not willing to engage the very thing in my body that I consider uncomfortable to stand in. Today I was willing to step into and relax into the discomfort in my own body. I didn't die doing it. I didn't fall into a depression.I don't love myself any less. In fact, I love myself more and I feel as though another piece of my world has been revealed- knowing I can go into the dark corners of my soul and turn the light on to see I am the only one there who is going to choose to change MY world. I AM ENOUGH
I Am enough in MY world and I trust others who want to see this in their lives will engage this in themselves because what was this morning dark and uncomfortable for me, is now a new way for me to consider my world! As I broaden my perspective I create more space to see it differently.
I had an experience this morning that created a lot of chaos in my body. I found myself bumping up against another person who I hold to be a friend in my life.
I allowed myself to ask the question- what am I bumping up against in my own life? Since it is never about the other person I allowed the wave to move inside MY body. If I had stayed in the intellect and analyzed it I would have continued to make it an experience outside of me. The wave of old information my body held would have become locked down because I wouldn't have been able to OWN it as my own.
When I reflected on and allowed myself to consider what the mornings experience was for ME I realized there was another culturally conditioned aspect of myself that was ready to move. The wave of information that moved brought the insight-I am no longer willing to create experiences to have others see that I AM ENOUGH in order to give myself permission to see it in myself. I Am IT! There will be many times in my life that I bump up against myself in the presence of another but I need to know it is simply an invitation for me to become MORE.
I had lived most of my life wanting to fit in and wanting to be loved. I have created many experiences in which people could see me as lovable, friendly and nurturing. I am still all of these things but I no longer need to be SEEN as these things. Hence the experience I created this morning. The beauty in all of it was in shaking my foundation I came to see that over the past year I have allowed my old (culturally conditioned) foundation to become replaced with more of an Authentic one- much more solid and stable. Does it mean I don't still have experiences that shake me to my core?-No, but when they do I know I will be able to stabilize and continue to move forward instead of stopping and feeling like a deer caught in the headlights, paralysed with fear. I am no longer willing to compromise myself for someones comfort and when I do this I know I am no longer teaching this to my children.
When I choose someones comfort I am not willing to engage the very thing in my body that I consider uncomfortable to stand in. Today I was willing to step into and relax into the discomfort in my own body. I didn't die doing it. I didn't fall into a depression.I don't love myself any less. In fact, I love myself more and I feel as though another piece of my world has been revealed- knowing I can go into the dark corners of my soul and turn the light on to see I am the only one there who is going to choose to change MY world. I AM ENOUGH
I Am enough in MY world and I trust others who want to see this in their lives will engage this in themselves because what was this morning dark and uncomfortable for me, is now a new way for me to consider my world! As I broaden my perspective I create more space to see it differently.
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