I began a blog several hours ago after reading Lisa's latest entry http://ljweiss.wordpress.com but things were moving too fast within my body for me to capture anything with words.
I went for a walk and allowed things to move within my body by breathing and staying with the mini tornado, knowing my body would stabilize the more I allowed my attention to stay with the process. Trusting my body to process the information as it would digest a banana.
I now know what I invite and create in my life is truly genius. All of it! I am embracing this process now because as I allow external experiences to trigger the energetic signature of a past experience within the cells of my body I am able to fully let go of 'the stories'. The stories of the past we tell ourselves and other people to recognize 'ourselves'. If we are not our past- who are we?
I am realizing I had no space inside of me to create anything new because the stories (experiences of the past) kept me on a treadmill creating the same thing over and over again for fear of 'loosing myself' as I let go of the past . Each experience was not the same from the outside but it felt the same on the inside. Nothing ever changed until the day I chose to breathe and let my body process the experience.
My body does not hold near the stories anymore but for the ones that it does I cleverly create experiences in my life to allow them to move and process. I don't fight this process anymore. I do not judge the situation, I simply embrace it and realize the truth of my imperfection.
There are still moments that I move into my intellect and without the stories I feel fear because nothing is recognizable. There are no guideposts of emotions from past events, no map to go back and keep repeating the same thing. It is all new, it is all a blank canvas awaiting the first stroke. The beautiful thing I am beginning to see in my life is every moment is always the first stroke. Little by little there is nothing to be judgemental of because it is about movement of the brush and not the final masterpiece.
Sitting in the nothingness of the intellect is scary, sitting in the nothingness of the body feels free and expansive.
Closing in on ourselves stops the movement of life. This leads to life becoming stagnant, boredom, habituation and eventually dis-ease of the body. How do I know? Because I have been there.
I still get tempted to go back there when I get caught up in the story via the intellect and not the body. We are taught as a society to always 'know'. Know where we are going, know what we are doing, know the answers.
I for one am finding movement in the questions. A life in flow without stories of the past is not getting me more of what I had- it is allowing me to create what is truly meaningful moment by moment.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Welcoming Intensity
Things have been brewing all week. I have stayed very much in the moment and not until today have I allowed myself to ponder what has been brewing.
In a conversation with Amy this morning and in reading Louise's Emerging Future's Blog things are surfacing. What is surfacing is my Intensity.
The difference between my perception of welcomed intensity and unwelcome intensity.
More and more often these days I am experiencing periods of intensity that feel like heaviness and denseness within my body. I have a new perception of what it means to be 'full of yourself'. Full of the very life force that exists in and around everything. Swirling, flowing, moving, waiting for the moment that I connect to the device that transmits it- my body! Today the intensity has increased. I have a feeling of seeing things around me differently. The words aren't free flowing yet which indicates I am still processing. I will come back to this later when the words are coming. No need to come back later here they come:
Density,buoyancy, intensity, lightness, stillness, movement, fullness, emptiness, vibration, aware of my crown chakra, slow rhythmic breathing, focused energy in my hands and feet. Aware of my body but aware more is existing outside of my body, a sense of connection, a vast connection beyond my own thoughts and feelings. A feeling of non-emotion but yet aware something is changing, altering the state I felt was my truth a few minutes ago. It almost feels like light headedness, everything is bright in my field of vision. Bottom of my feet are heavy, hot. I hear my children in the background as they play with their play dough, I wonder how long I will feel this and if they came to me in this moment would I move into the mother role or can I interact in this state? No fear just awareness of what is moving through my body in this moment. I am not the same, how do I know this? I just do. The amount of intensity that my body can hold and move just increased in this moment. I am SO AWAKE right now, awake to this moment and nothing else. I am going to go breathe... knowing there is always more.
In a conversation with Amy this morning and in reading Louise's Emerging Future's Blog things are surfacing. What is surfacing is my Intensity.
The difference between my perception of welcomed intensity and unwelcome intensity.
More and more often these days I am experiencing periods of intensity that feel like heaviness and denseness within my body. I have a new perception of what it means to be 'full of yourself'. Full of the very life force that exists in and around everything. Swirling, flowing, moving, waiting for the moment that I connect to the device that transmits it- my body! Today the intensity has increased. I have a feeling of seeing things around me differently. The words aren't free flowing yet which indicates I am still processing. I will come back to this later when the words are coming. No need to come back later here they come:
Density,buoyancy, intensity, lightness, stillness, movement, fullness, emptiness, vibration, aware of my crown chakra, slow rhythmic breathing, focused energy in my hands and feet. Aware of my body but aware more is existing outside of my body, a sense of connection, a vast connection beyond my own thoughts and feelings. A feeling of non-emotion but yet aware something is changing, altering the state I felt was my truth a few minutes ago. It almost feels like light headedness, everything is bright in my field of vision. Bottom of my feet are heavy, hot. I hear my children in the background as they play with their play dough, I wonder how long I will feel this and if they came to me in this moment would I move into the mother role or can I interact in this state? No fear just awareness of what is moving through my body in this moment. I am not the same, how do I know this? I just do. The amount of intensity that my body can hold and move just increased in this moment. I am SO AWAKE right now, awake to this moment and nothing else. I am going to go breathe... knowing there is always more.
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