I am drawn to this space tonight to engage in a conversation with myself.
A few weeks ago I wrote about an encounter with a friend that allowed me to bump up against myself. The deeper insight I have now is one of my old beliefs bumping up against new beliefs. Each time I stand my ground and allow myself to be authentic I feel a deep shaking from within my body (especially in the chest area). Each time I allow myself to breathe through the sensations I realize just how deeply hardwired the need to please is in my body. I know this is not who I am, nor who I choose to be in my world. I also know until these old experiences are processed in my body I will continue to invite situations in my external world that become a trigger to allow for movement.
In six weeks I will have no external obligations, no agenda except the one I create moment by moment. This will be my life. I will not work another day in my life. My life will be MY work in progress.
One year after beginning my WEL-Systems journey I am able to allow my title of my blog to collapse. Space and time only exist if I say so. Moment to moment, breath to breath is where life is happening, where I actually show up in my life.
I spent years living in the past, worrying about the future and wondering what other people thought of me. Now I get to choose my life and all I have to wonder is whether I honoured myself in the process.
What exactly is it I want to say? Why am I here in this space tonight? Why is it I led a life of putting everybody else first? Why did I apologize to everyone except myself? Why has it taken me so long to embrace the sensations inside my body that are mine? Why didn't I get any of this before? Why me? Why not me? Why perfect and not imperfect? Why see anything outside me as anything else but me? Why be here right now? Why pretend to myself? Why try to reach out when we are all dying because we are not reaching in? Why laugh when I want to cry? Why try to be the best outside when we already are our best inside? Why love when we can respect? Why be anything less when we know ourselves to be more? Why grieve a death and not celebrate a life? Why not experience every moment so we get to experience more of our lives? Why be quiet when we want to speak? Why sit when we can dance? Why hold our breath when we can fully inhale our potential and exhale more of ourselves to the world? Why speak when we can sing? Why walk when we can fly? Why speak when silence speaks to our soul? Why have the answers when the questions expand our potential? Why look at the outside when we are inside? Why have a conversation when a gaze is all that is needed? Why look away when we can embrace ourselves in the moment of discomfort? Why choose death when we can live?
Why not say FUCK IT here is my moment to no longer allow my past to be what defines me, stand strong in the discomfort and keep moving forward regardless of what others think! Here is my moment. Here is my truth. Here I Am.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Honoring MySelf and knowing I AM ENOUGH
In this moment I am aware how much IS and how much WANTS to be in flow in my life!
I had an experience this morning that created a lot of chaos in my body. I found myself bumping up against another person who I hold to be a friend in my life.
I allowed myself to ask the question- what am I bumping up against in my own life? Since it is never about the other person I allowed the wave to move inside MY body. If I had stayed in the intellect and analyzed it I would have continued to make it an experience outside of me. The wave of old information my body held would have become locked down because I wouldn't have been able to OWN it as my own.
When I reflected on and allowed myself to consider what the mornings experience was for ME I realized there was another culturally conditioned aspect of myself that was ready to move. The wave of information that moved brought the insight-I am no longer willing to create experiences to have others see that I AM ENOUGH in order to give myself permission to see it in myself. I Am IT! There will be many times in my life that I bump up against myself in the presence of another but I need to know it is simply an invitation for me to become MORE.
I had lived most of my life wanting to fit in and wanting to be loved. I have created many experiences in which people could see me as lovable, friendly and nurturing. I am still all of these things but I no longer need to be SEEN as these things. Hence the experience I created this morning. The beauty in all of it was in shaking my foundation I came to see that over the past year I have allowed my old (culturally conditioned) foundation to become replaced with more of an Authentic one- much more solid and stable. Does it mean I don't still have experiences that shake me to my core?-No, but when they do I know I will be able to stabilize and continue to move forward instead of stopping and feeling like a deer caught in the headlights, paralysed with fear. I am no longer willing to compromise myself for someones comfort and when I do this I know I am no longer teaching this to my children.
When I choose someones comfort I am not willing to engage the very thing in my body that I consider uncomfortable to stand in. Today I was willing to step into and relax into the discomfort in my own body. I didn't die doing it. I didn't fall into a depression.I don't love myself any less. In fact, I love myself more and I feel as though another piece of my world has been revealed- knowing I can go into the dark corners of my soul and turn the light on to see I am the only one there who is going to choose to change MY world. I AM ENOUGH
I Am enough in MY world and I trust others who want to see this in their lives will engage this in themselves because what was this morning dark and uncomfortable for me, is now a new way for me to consider my world! As I broaden my perspective I create more space to see it differently.
I had an experience this morning that created a lot of chaos in my body. I found myself bumping up against another person who I hold to be a friend in my life.
I allowed myself to ask the question- what am I bumping up against in my own life? Since it is never about the other person I allowed the wave to move inside MY body. If I had stayed in the intellect and analyzed it I would have continued to make it an experience outside of me. The wave of old information my body held would have become locked down because I wouldn't have been able to OWN it as my own.
When I reflected on and allowed myself to consider what the mornings experience was for ME I realized there was another culturally conditioned aspect of myself that was ready to move. The wave of information that moved brought the insight-I am no longer willing to create experiences to have others see that I AM ENOUGH in order to give myself permission to see it in myself. I Am IT! There will be many times in my life that I bump up against myself in the presence of another but I need to know it is simply an invitation for me to become MORE.
I had lived most of my life wanting to fit in and wanting to be loved. I have created many experiences in which people could see me as lovable, friendly and nurturing. I am still all of these things but I no longer need to be SEEN as these things. Hence the experience I created this morning. The beauty in all of it was in shaking my foundation I came to see that over the past year I have allowed my old (culturally conditioned) foundation to become replaced with more of an Authentic one- much more solid and stable. Does it mean I don't still have experiences that shake me to my core?-No, but when they do I know I will be able to stabilize and continue to move forward instead of stopping and feeling like a deer caught in the headlights, paralysed with fear. I am no longer willing to compromise myself for someones comfort and when I do this I know I am no longer teaching this to my children.
When I choose someones comfort I am not willing to engage the very thing in my body that I consider uncomfortable to stand in. Today I was willing to step into and relax into the discomfort in my own body. I didn't die doing it. I didn't fall into a depression.I don't love myself any less. In fact, I love myself more and I feel as though another piece of my world has been revealed- knowing I can go into the dark corners of my soul and turn the light on to see I am the only one there who is going to choose to change MY world. I AM ENOUGH
I Am enough in MY world and I trust others who want to see this in their lives will engage this in themselves because what was this morning dark and uncomfortable for me, is now a new way for me to consider my world! As I broaden my perspective I create more space to see it differently.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Claiming Magnificance in my imperfections
The topic of redefining the word Powerful Women came up over the weekend and I must say it has not left my awareness.
Tonight my son was watching Spiderman and he asked me why he could not spin webs like his favorite hero.
My thoughts immediately went to the word superpower. I told my son that although he could not spin webs in this moment of his life he already had a superpower. He was intrigued and asked me what superpower he had. I told him 'his' power was inside his body and by allowing himself to see what he sees, hear what he hears and know what he knows his power would be in using his voice to tell what he feels on the inside to the outside world. By allowing what is inside of him, the truth of his experience, to make its way into the world unfiltered means he has superpowers! He immediately asked me if everyone had these superpowers. My response was everybody has the superpower but some choose not to use it, some do not know it is inside of them and some have been told from a very young age their superpower is not welcomed...but everybody has it. He seemed pleased with himself as he ran off continuing to try and shoot webs out of his wrists!
We all have a superpower. I tried to hide mine for many years and even the other day as I recorded a CD with Louise called "Intimacy, Birth and Rebirth" (more to come later about this) I felt the shakiness in my body as I allowed the truth of my experience to come out of my mouth unfiltered and uncensored. I was aware of the discomfort in my body and I stayed with it. A few minutes later I realized the sensation had turned to excitement and all I had to do was stay with the feeling of discomfort so my body could process it and reveal something else! Normally I would disconnect from my body to 'get through' something but I now know I also disconnect from my Authenticity when what comes out of my mouth does not match what is inside of me and what ends up coming out of my mouth in my state of disconnect is simply the culturally conditioned me.
Another key 'green dot moment' (light bulb moment) that flooded my awareness after completing the CD recording is just how non-linear I am. My Authentic thoughts follow no sequence and have no definite start or end point to them. It makes perfect sense that I stayed disconnected from who I really was under cultural conditioning for so many years because to have the life I thought I should have meant being very organized, keeping a sequence and always staying on track. These were the very things that allowed me to stay small and in the box for so many years!
It is all just now making sense...I have been attempting to write blogs for months since Manifesting (the program I connected strongly to who I Am in the world) but I would get 'off track' and end up not finishing them and eventually discarded them because they were all over the place in their content! Tonight I am very aware as I write this that I am allowing myself to go all over the place and it feels AMAZING! I have no idea if any of this makes sense but since the whole point of my blog is to have a conversation with myself to discover more about my Authentic self, I am prepared to put this out to further Decloak and as an invitation for others to think of their lives differently then they may have a few minutes ago.
What are the things we really think are 'us' that are simply strategies we have gotten really comfortable living? Could these be the very things that keep us disconnected from the Essence of who we are in the world?
The freedom I feel right now is MAGICAL!! Another layer has peeled away and I am left feeling more integrated then ever!
I feel a little anxious about pressing the publish button because my grammar is not correct, I have bounced all over the place and essentially it is not linear but I know this is another layer of cultural conditioning about to peel away as I claim more of the 'real, non-linear me'. My head is held high as I let go of something I have clung to for so many years and realize I now get to claim another Authentic aspect of my being.
We really are Magnificent in our imperfections! Now that I know this in myself I can accept this and welcome it in you!
With Respect, Integrity and Generosity of Spirit.
Naomi
Tonight my son was watching Spiderman and he asked me why he could not spin webs like his favorite hero.
My thoughts immediately went to the word superpower. I told my son that although he could not spin webs in this moment of his life he already had a superpower. He was intrigued and asked me what superpower he had. I told him 'his' power was inside his body and by allowing himself to see what he sees, hear what he hears and know what he knows his power would be in using his voice to tell what he feels on the inside to the outside world. By allowing what is inside of him, the truth of his experience, to make its way into the world unfiltered means he has superpowers! He immediately asked me if everyone had these superpowers. My response was everybody has the superpower but some choose not to use it, some do not know it is inside of them and some have been told from a very young age their superpower is not welcomed...but everybody has it. He seemed pleased with himself as he ran off continuing to try and shoot webs out of his wrists!
We all have a superpower. I tried to hide mine for many years and even the other day as I recorded a CD with Louise called "Intimacy, Birth and Rebirth" (more to come later about this) I felt the shakiness in my body as I allowed the truth of my experience to come out of my mouth unfiltered and uncensored. I was aware of the discomfort in my body and I stayed with it. A few minutes later I realized the sensation had turned to excitement and all I had to do was stay with the feeling of discomfort so my body could process it and reveal something else! Normally I would disconnect from my body to 'get through' something but I now know I also disconnect from my Authenticity when what comes out of my mouth does not match what is inside of me and what ends up coming out of my mouth in my state of disconnect is simply the culturally conditioned me.
Another key 'green dot moment' (light bulb moment) that flooded my awareness after completing the CD recording is just how non-linear I am. My Authentic thoughts follow no sequence and have no definite start or end point to them. It makes perfect sense that I stayed disconnected from who I really was under cultural conditioning for so many years because to have the life I thought I should have meant being very organized, keeping a sequence and always staying on track. These were the very things that allowed me to stay small and in the box for so many years!
It is all just now making sense...I have been attempting to write blogs for months since Manifesting (the program I connected strongly to who I Am in the world) but I would get 'off track' and end up not finishing them and eventually discarded them because they were all over the place in their content! Tonight I am very aware as I write this that I am allowing myself to go all over the place and it feels AMAZING! I have no idea if any of this makes sense but since the whole point of my blog is to have a conversation with myself to discover more about my Authentic self, I am prepared to put this out to further Decloak and as an invitation for others to think of their lives differently then they may have a few minutes ago.
What are the things we really think are 'us' that are simply strategies we have gotten really comfortable living? Could these be the very things that keep us disconnected from the Essence of who we are in the world?
The freedom I feel right now is MAGICAL!! Another layer has peeled away and I am left feeling more integrated then ever!
I feel a little anxious about pressing the publish button because my grammar is not correct, I have bounced all over the place and essentially it is not linear but I know this is another layer of cultural conditioning about to peel away as I claim more of the 'real, non-linear me'. My head is held high as I let go of something I have clung to for so many years and realize I now get to claim another Authentic aspect of my being.
We really are Magnificent in our imperfections! Now that I know this in myself I can accept this and welcome it in you!
With Respect, Integrity and Generosity of Spirit.
Naomi
Sunday, April 26, 2009
The Journey lies Within
Beyond the stillness of my home tonight, I know, women are desperately searching as I had been searching months ago.
My search was for something I knew for some time to be missing in my life- Connection to Self.
I am happy, no, overjoyed to declare the search has finally ended. I know as I sit here tonight, within my body, the journey to find what I thought had been missing has been here all along and the journey to get here has simply been one of letting go and engaging the force that flows through my body-my unique signal in the world.
I am ready to Emerge and speak only to the Godforce that we ALL are. I am ready to engage the signal that I know each of us carries. I am ready to risk offending others to stay true to myself. I am ready to see the expression you are in me, allowing this to reveal more to me about mySelf. I Am ready to do this and be unapologetic because I know the power within the journey and I Am ready to go into the dark places because I have been there and I Am not afraid anymore!
Along this journey I have stopped and started. I have experienced such incredible fear it allowed me to go back into my intellect and react from default. I have had periods of forgetting who I Am. I have resisted change. I have questioned my worthiness, value and strength. I have experienced confusion and chaos. I have been willing to allow others with the spark in there eye to stay asleep for the fear of stirring up in them what I didn't think I could face stirring up in me. I have tried to hold on to others when it was clear they were not willing to do what it takes to reclaim their life.
In the face of all this I sit here tonight alive and knowing the pure and utter genius in it ALL. These moments have all been part of my journey back home- to Self! Each unfolding moment as I relaxed into it was allowing a stronger connection to Self and an opportunity to be more alive and awake to my own life then EVER before.
Tonight as I sit here I am aware that I am no longer able to fear the unknown. The map I hold in front of me is blank and it is waiting for me to take my first, second, third step etc. in order for it to be one of true discovery- not from my past but the absolute unknown of the future, moment by moment, breath by breath. Discovering new territory within mySelf- allowing self evolution to continue.
I know with the blank map I will still stumble on familiar ground from long ago but as I keep moving it will not need to be re-experienced, simply let go of. As I keep moving through the known I will find areas never discovered within mySelf and I will experience mySelf differently. This may change my direction but nonetheless it will be in these moments that I will be propelled forward leaping over the mountain and instead of climbing it with rigor and discipline, I will leap over it with ease and acceleration.
It is my map and my journey so I know the steps I choose to take are of my choosing. The force within my body cues the steps and allows the intellect to choose left, right or straight ahead. It is only when I listen to voices outside mySelf that I get lead off course. Becoming true to mySelf is what I now experience as the Authentic journey that allows more of the the expanding presence of Godforce to be present and available to me every moment!
It truly is a joy to be Alive and Engaging as and with the Godforce and knowing this has the power to change the WORLD!
Standing alone, together, will be the collective force to design a world of our choosing...Are you willing to do what it takes to stand alone and connect to the most powerful force in the world?- YOU! Allow yourself to ponder this and allow this sensation to lead you to the big questions in your own life! It continues to do so for me!!
My search was for something I knew for some time to be missing in my life- Connection to Self.
I am happy, no, overjoyed to declare the search has finally ended. I know as I sit here tonight, within my body, the journey to find what I thought had been missing has been here all along and the journey to get here has simply been one of letting go and engaging the force that flows through my body-my unique signal in the world.
I am ready to Emerge and speak only to the Godforce that we ALL are. I am ready to engage the signal that I know each of us carries. I am ready to risk offending others to stay true to myself. I am ready to see the expression you are in me, allowing this to reveal more to me about mySelf. I Am ready to do this and be unapologetic because I know the power within the journey and I Am ready to go into the dark places because I have been there and I Am not afraid anymore!
Along this journey I have stopped and started. I have experienced such incredible fear it allowed me to go back into my intellect and react from default. I have had periods of forgetting who I Am. I have resisted change. I have questioned my worthiness, value and strength. I have experienced confusion and chaos. I have been willing to allow others with the spark in there eye to stay asleep for the fear of stirring up in them what I didn't think I could face stirring up in me. I have tried to hold on to others when it was clear they were not willing to do what it takes to reclaim their life.
In the face of all this I sit here tonight alive and knowing the pure and utter genius in it ALL. These moments have all been part of my journey back home- to Self! Each unfolding moment as I relaxed into it was allowing a stronger connection to Self and an opportunity to be more alive and awake to my own life then EVER before.
Tonight as I sit here I am aware that I am no longer able to fear the unknown. The map I hold in front of me is blank and it is waiting for me to take my first, second, third step etc. in order for it to be one of true discovery- not from my past but the absolute unknown of the future, moment by moment, breath by breath. Discovering new territory within mySelf- allowing self evolution to continue.
I know with the blank map I will still stumble on familiar ground from long ago but as I keep moving it will not need to be re-experienced, simply let go of. As I keep moving through the known I will find areas never discovered within mySelf and I will experience mySelf differently. This may change my direction but nonetheless it will be in these moments that I will be propelled forward leaping over the mountain and instead of climbing it with rigor and discipline, I will leap over it with ease and acceleration.
It is my map and my journey so I know the steps I choose to take are of my choosing. The force within my body cues the steps and allows the intellect to choose left, right or straight ahead. It is only when I listen to voices outside mySelf that I get lead off course. Becoming true to mySelf is what I now experience as the Authentic journey that allows more of the the expanding presence of Godforce to be present and available to me every moment!
It truly is a joy to be Alive and Engaging as and with the Godforce and knowing this has the power to change the WORLD!
Standing alone, together, will be the collective force to design a world of our choosing...Are you willing to do what it takes to stand alone and connect to the most powerful force in the world?- YOU! Allow yourself to ponder this and allow this sensation to lead you to the big questions in your own life! It continues to do so for me!!
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Life is magical when we Allow OurSelves to be Found
4 days after Manifesting and the words are just beginning to connect to my signal that is in full flow through my body.
No more searching, no more seeking, just allowing myself to be found.
The pieces of the puzzle that I have been gathering in front of me over the past 8 months became a beautiful collage of my life on day 5 of Manifesting.
Once I marvelled in the beauty of my life and saw how one piece fit meticulously together with the other I was finally able to 'see' my life and the magnificence of my imperfections.
I was then able to let go- I let go of the life I 'have' lived so the image of the collage could become blank again and I could begin to choose and create based on this moment rather then the past.
Every day allowing mySelf to wake and bask in the sunshine of my own life as the unique signal that I am in the world and asking mySelf what it is that I choose to do today.
No longer do I walk backwards into the future using the past as a familiar guide.
I have chosen to turn around and look up to the expression that I Am in this Universe and allow this moment to be the platform for the next!
The image that pops for me is one of me being a little girl looking up to the sky and asking mySelf- "what do I want to do?" No external referencing, early family systems had not yet had it's firm grip around my life...nothing to do but BE!
The circle completed itself last Saturday and I am once again looking up to the sky and asking mySelf "what do I choose today?"
Everyday allowing myself to be found by an expression more magical then it was in the last breath.
My life, my choices, my song to sing for myself or out loud for the world to hear.
Thank you Louise for creating the playground for us to safely explore and be found by a force I truly didn't know could exist on this plane.
Thank you Lisa, your presence and words have such a deep resonance and connect at a level that vibrates my entire being.
Thank you Lucy, your essence is still present within me even across the miles.
Thank you Cathy, your vibrancy for life allowed me to connect with the part of you that is an aspect of myself.
My body is soft, my breath is free and I am simply able to 'be' me for the first time since I was a child.
I look forward to waking tomorrow and allowing myself to feel the pulsating life force flowing through my body knowing and trusting my life is one of my design- not by planning but by allowing the flow to move the wave in my body in which I breathe and relax into, make a choice and take a step. If I allow this process to repeat 100 times in a day I have moved 100 steps closer to 'home'.
No more searching, no more seeking, just allowing myself to be found.
The pieces of the puzzle that I have been gathering in front of me over the past 8 months became a beautiful collage of my life on day 5 of Manifesting.
Once I marvelled in the beauty of my life and saw how one piece fit meticulously together with the other I was finally able to 'see' my life and the magnificence of my imperfections.
I was then able to let go- I let go of the life I 'have' lived so the image of the collage could become blank again and I could begin to choose and create based on this moment rather then the past.
Every day allowing mySelf to wake and bask in the sunshine of my own life as the unique signal that I am in the world and asking mySelf what it is that I choose to do today.
No longer do I walk backwards into the future using the past as a familiar guide.
I have chosen to turn around and look up to the expression that I Am in this Universe and allow this moment to be the platform for the next!
The image that pops for me is one of me being a little girl looking up to the sky and asking mySelf- "what do I want to do?" No external referencing, early family systems had not yet had it's firm grip around my life...nothing to do but BE!
The circle completed itself last Saturday and I am once again looking up to the sky and asking mySelf "what do I choose today?"
Everyday allowing myself to be found by an expression more magical then it was in the last breath.
My life, my choices, my song to sing for myself or out loud for the world to hear.
Thank you Louise for creating the playground for us to safely explore and be found by a force I truly didn't know could exist on this plane.
Thank you Lisa, your presence and words have such a deep resonance and connect at a level that vibrates my entire being.
Thank you Lucy, your essence is still present within me even across the miles.
Thank you Cathy, your vibrancy for life allowed me to connect with the part of you that is an aspect of myself.
My body is soft, my breath is free and I am simply able to 'be' me for the first time since I was a child.
I look forward to waking tomorrow and allowing myself to feel the pulsating life force flowing through my body knowing and trusting my life is one of my design- not by planning but by allowing the flow to move the wave in my body in which I breathe and relax into, make a choice and take a step. If I allow this process to repeat 100 times in a day I have moved 100 steps closer to 'home'.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
No Longer My Past
I began a blog several hours ago after reading Lisa's latest entry http://ljweiss.wordpress.com but things were moving too fast within my body for me to capture anything with words.
I went for a walk and allowed things to move within my body by breathing and staying with the mini tornado, knowing my body would stabilize the more I allowed my attention to stay with the process. Trusting my body to process the information as it would digest a banana.
I now know what I invite and create in my life is truly genius. All of it! I am embracing this process now because as I allow external experiences to trigger the energetic signature of a past experience within the cells of my body I am able to fully let go of 'the stories'. The stories of the past we tell ourselves and other people to recognize 'ourselves'. If we are not our past- who are we?
I am realizing I had no space inside of me to create anything new because the stories (experiences of the past) kept me on a treadmill creating the same thing over and over again for fear of 'loosing myself' as I let go of the past . Each experience was not the same from the outside but it felt the same on the inside. Nothing ever changed until the day I chose to breathe and let my body process the experience.
My body does not hold near the stories anymore but for the ones that it does I cleverly create experiences in my life to allow them to move and process. I don't fight this process anymore. I do not judge the situation, I simply embrace it and realize the truth of my imperfection.
There are still moments that I move into my intellect and without the stories I feel fear because nothing is recognizable. There are no guideposts of emotions from past events, no map to go back and keep repeating the same thing. It is all new, it is all a blank canvas awaiting the first stroke. The beautiful thing I am beginning to see in my life is every moment is always the first stroke. Little by little there is nothing to be judgemental of because it is about movement of the brush and not the final masterpiece.
Sitting in the nothingness of the intellect is scary, sitting in the nothingness of the body feels free and expansive.
Closing in on ourselves stops the movement of life. This leads to life becoming stagnant, boredom, habituation and eventually dis-ease of the body. How do I know? Because I have been there.
I still get tempted to go back there when I get caught up in the story via the intellect and not the body. We are taught as a society to always 'know'. Know where we are going, know what we are doing, know the answers.
I for one am finding movement in the questions. A life in flow without stories of the past is not getting me more of what I had- it is allowing me to create what is truly meaningful moment by moment.
I went for a walk and allowed things to move within my body by breathing and staying with the mini tornado, knowing my body would stabilize the more I allowed my attention to stay with the process. Trusting my body to process the information as it would digest a banana.
I now know what I invite and create in my life is truly genius. All of it! I am embracing this process now because as I allow external experiences to trigger the energetic signature of a past experience within the cells of my body I am able to fully let go of 'the stories'. The stories of the past we tell ourselves and other people to recognize 'ourselves'. If we are not our past- who are we?
I am realizing I had no space inside of me to create anything new because the stories (experiences of the past) kept me on a treadmill creating the same thing over and over again for fear of 'loosing myself' as I let go of the past . Each experience was not the same from the outside but it felt the same on the inside. Nothing ever changed until the day I chose to breathe and let my body process the experience.
My body does not hold near the stories anymore but for the ones that it does I cleverly create experiences in my life to allow them to move and process. I don't fight this process anymore. I do not judge the situation, I simply embrace it and realize the truth of my imperfection.
There are still moments that I move into my intellect and without the stories I feel fear because nothing is recognizable. There are no guideposts of emotions from past events, no map to go back and keep repeating the same thing. It is all new, it is all a blank canvas awaiting the first stroke. The beautiful thing I am beginning to see in my life is every moment is always the first stroke. Little by little there is nothing to be judgemental of because it is about movement of the brush and not the final masterpiece.
Sitting in the nothingness of the intellect is scary, sitting in the nothingness of the body feels free and expansive.
Closing in on ourselves stops the movement of life. This leads to life becoming stagnant, boredom, habituation and eventually dis-ease of the body. How do I know? Because I have been there.
I still get tempted to go back there when I get caught up in the story via the intellect and not the body. We are taught as a society to always 'know'. Know where we are going, know what we are doing, know the answers.
I for one am finding movement in the questions. A life in flow without stories of the past is not getting me more of what I had- it is allowing me to create what is truly meaningful moment by moment.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Welcoming Intensity
Things have been brewing all week. I have stayed very much in the moment and not until today have I allowed myself to ponder what has been brewing.
In a conversation with Amy this morning and in reading Louise's Emerging Future's Blog things are surfacing. What is surfacing is my Intensity.
The difference between my perception of welcomed intensity and unwelcome intensity.
More and more often these days I am experiencing periods of intensity that feel like heaviness and denseness within my body. I have a new perception of what it means to be 'full of yourself'. Full of the very life force that exists in and around everything. Swirling, flowing, moving, waiting for the moment that I connect to the device that transmits it- my body! Today the intensity has increased. I have a feeling of seeing things around me differently. The words aren't free flowing yet which indicates I am still processing. I will come back to this later when the words are coming. No need to come back later here they come:
Density,buoyancy, intensity, lightness, stillness, movement, fullness, emptiness, vibration, aware of my crown chakra, slow rhythmic breathing, focused energy in my hands and feet. Aware of my body but aware more is existing outside of my body, a sense of connection, a vast connection beyond my own thoughts and feelings. A feeling of non-emotion but yet aware something is changing, altering the state I felt was my truth a few minutes ago. It almost feels like light headedness, everything is bright in my field of vision. Bottom of my feet are heavy, hot. I hear my children in the background as they play with their play dough, I wonder how long I will feel this and if they came to me in this moment would I move into the mother role or can I interact in this state? No fear just awareness of what is moving through my body in this moment. I am not the same, how do I know this? I just do. The amount of intensity that my body can hold and move just increased in this moment. I am SO AWAKE right now, awake to this moment and nothing else. I am going to go breathe... knowing there is always more.
In a conversation with Amy this morning and in reading Louise's Emerging Future's Blog things are surfacing. What is surfacing is my Intensity.
The difference between my perception of welcomed intensity and unwelcome intensity.
More and more often these days I am experiencing periods of intensity that feel like heaviness and denseness within my body. I have a new perception of what it means to be 'full of yourself'. Full of the very life force that exists in and around everything. Swirling, flowing, moving, waiting for the moment that I connect to the device that transmits it- my body! Today the intensity has increased. I have a feeling of seeing things around me differently. The words aren't free flowing yet which indicates I am still processing. I will come back to this later when the words are coming. No need to come back later here they come:
Density,buoyancy, intensity, lightness, stillness, movement, fullness, emptiness, vibration, aware of my crown chakra, slow rhythmic breathing, focused energy in my hands and feet. Aware of my body but aware more is existing outside of my body, a sense of connection, a vast connection beyond my own thoughts and feelings. A feeling of non-emotion but yet aware something is changing, altering the state I felt was my truth a few minutes ago. It almost feels like light headedness, everything is bright in my field of vision. Bottom of my feet are heavy, hot. I hear my children in the background as they play with their play dough, I wonder how long I will feel this and if they came to me in this moment would I move into the mother role or can I interact in this state? No fear just awareness of what is moving through my body in this moment. I am not the same, how do I know this? I just do. The amount of intensity that my body can hold and move just increased in this moment. I am SO AWAKE right now, awake to this moment and nothing else. I am going to go breathe... knowing there is always more.
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