The last line of my last blog has left me curious. I went back and re-read Test Driving and realized the 'explanation' for me has been an obstacle. No more explanation of me or what I do or what I am reading. If you want to know about it read the book yourself. What am I trying to defend? what does my cultural conditioning say about being right and doing things the right way? Why does my way need to be the right way? Whoo a lot to pay attention to.
I am so passionate about how I feel and the courses I take I have been trying to spurt out information when I know it's not about the information but rather the experience of the conversation. One person's insight that leads to another persons discovery about themselves.
In my profession of Massage I always felt responsible to "fix" someones problem. Let this go Naomi. Be who you are and let go of the notion of "fixing" because it will get you more of what you have got and right now this is not what you want.
I don't want to be responsible for "fixing" problems. I enjoyed this for a long time and it gave me what I thought was a great sense of purpose. My purpose does not lie here anymore.
My interest lies here in between these words. The vibration of the space between these words.
I carry within me a Spirit that will not give up on the world and a Spirit that knows I can be the messenger of information I now know. For the experience that will arise, not for self-serving purposes because I know who I Am- do you want to know who You are and what journey you are on?
I am allowing mySelf to be the instrument for something larger- much larger!!! I don't know what it means right now but I know it is the right direction! No second guessing.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Test Driving
What you notice about me is actually about you...allow yourSelf to get curious about this. I will also get curious about what it is I notice about you and how I see this in my own life.
For me to notice something about you I know I carry this in mySelf to be able to recognize it.
This has been a Christmas to test-drive all the things I have been learning and what I am seeing is the fact that I created a lot of drama in years past that doesn't actually exist or if it does I simply chose not to engage in it this year...hmmm. (Which one it is truly doesn't matter)
How do I push your buttons? where do your irritations lie in what I say... allow yourSelf to get curious again. I will notice where my irritation lies with what you say and take a deep breath to allow my body to process information that up until this point was out of my conscience.
No more stories, no more past. Just this moment, choosing where this moment will lead. I don't know where it will take me but I do know it will lead me in the right direction if I honour the truth of my experiences and the Essence of who I am.
Am I ready to own my seriousness? Am I ready to be the invitation for change? Am I ready to come out of my camouflage to trust my body and it's impulses that connect me to who I am? More importantly am I willing to just be me whatever that may look like in this moment?
My intellect and hard wiring would have me go back to the wallflower I was pleasing and making nice. But my body sings a much different tune.
I am ready to be ME! In fact I already AM. No explanation required.
For me to notice something about you I know I carry this in mySelf to be able to recognize it.
This has been a Christmas to test-drive all the things I have been learning and what I am seeing is the fact that I created a lot of drama in years past that doesn't actually exist or if it does I simply chose not to engage in it this year...hmmm. (Which one it is truly doesn't matter)
How do I push your buttons? where do your irritations lie in what I say... allow yourSelf to get curious again. I will notice where my irritation lies with what you say and take a deep breath to allow my body to process information that up until this point was out of my conscience.
No more stories, no more past. Just this moment, choosing where this moment will lead. I don't know where it will take me but I do know it will lead me in the right direction if I honour the truth of my experiences and the Essence of who I am.
Am I ready to own my seriousness? Am I ready to be the invitation for change? Am I ready to come out of my camouflage to trust my body and it's impulses that connect me to who I am? More importantly am I willing to just be me whatever that may look like in this moment?
My intellect and hard wiring would have me go back to the wallflower I was pleasing and making nice. But my body sings a much different tune.
I am ready to be ME! In fact I already AM. No explanation required.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Look at your Life or Live your Life
The blinders are off, my fists have unclenched and I have dropped the heavy armor. If you want to know me just be in my presence and you will know me.
I no longer apologize for the edges I spent years trying to dull to fit in. I take full responsibility for my thoughts and actions but still do not apologize for them if they offend you. I am here in this moment to live and engage in ways that are meaningful to only me. Am I a bitch... no! I have finally stepped into my life and found a strength I did not know existed.
The nurturing, the compassion, the kindness has always been there but without the strength I could not allow myself to live fully in this moment.
I cared about what you thought, I cared about what you felt and I cared about how my life looked like from the outside looking in.
Now I am on the inside looking out and I still care for you, I care for you so much I am going to allow you the freedom to live your life by your own design.
From the inside looking out it becomes a much different landscape and a much different experience. I am now looking at you and seeing you through mySelf. Instead of judging myself from the outside looking at a body without an essence and wondering 'what did you do to me that I feel like this', I can now take responsibility and ownership from an authentic place inside my body.
My external environment can now be a direct reflection of my internal environment instead of looking at the internal from a 'witness' standpoint. What fun is it to 'look' at your life instead of actually living it!!!
The long and short of it is I am here to live my life and allow you to live your life without the stories and drama that once felt so comforting.
I am here to live large in whatever form that may look like from moment to moment.
I no longer apologize for the edges I spent years trying to dull to fit in. I take full responsibility for my thoughts and actions but still do not apologize for them if they offend you. I am here in this moment to live and engage in ways that are meaningful to only me. Am I a bitch... no! I have finally stepped into my life and found a strength I did not know existed.
The nurturing, the compassion, the kindness has always been there but without the strength I could not allow myself to live fully in this moment.
I cared about what you thought, I cared about what you felt and I cared about how my life looked like from the outside looking in.
Now I am on the inside looking out and I still care for you, I care for you so much I am going to allow you the freedom to live your life by your own design.
From the inside looking out it becomes a much different landscape and a much different experience. I am now looking at you and seeing you through mySelf. Instead of judging myself from the outside looking at a body without an essence and wondering 'what did you do to me that I feel like this', I can now take responsibility and ownership from an authentic place inside my body.
My external environment can now be a direct reflection of my internal environment instead of looking at the internal from a 'witness' standpoint. What fun is it to 'look' at your life instead of actually living it!!!
The long and short of it is I am here to live my life and allow you to live your life without the stories and drama that once felt so comforting.
I am here to live large in whatever form that may look like from moment to moment.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Our Bodies are Genius
Day 2 in Engaging and Awakening Others I discovered a benign cyst that had been on my back for some time had become inflamed. By day 5 it became so painful I could not lean back on my chair. Knowing the body is genius I left it to see what would happen. I thought it would get better on it's own and disappear.
To my disappointment it grew larger and angrier. I could not lean back at all and if someone approached me to give me a hug I would protect my back and if I forgot I would be in pain for some time after.
People told me to make a poultice, have it operated on and other things they thought would help me. I held out knowing it had something to tell me. It wasn't until a week ago that I noticed I was leaning back on the right side and felt no pain when I turned my body so that no pressure would go on the left. My woo hoo moment had arrived.
I realised I no longer needed my past to support me. I had been sitting without leaning back (past) for almost 3 weeks allowing mySelf to get acquainted to the 'new' Me . I also became curious that when I leaned to the right (sphere/masculine) side I had no pain. The nurturing (left side) aspect of the Family Hero strategy I ran in the 'past' no longer supported who I Am now.
As for protecting mySelf when people came towards me I simply used my voice to let people know it was there. I did not have to protect mySelf!
I sit here now comfortably leaning back on both sides with a new awareness about mySelf and how I CHOOSE to move through my world. The inflammation and pain is gone and began disappearing shortly after my realisation. The body is true GENIUS!
To my disappointment it grew larger and angrier. I could not lean back at all and if someone approached me to give me a hug I would protect my back and if I forgot I would be in pain for some time after.
People told me to make a poultice, have it operated on and other things they thought would help me. I held out knowing it had something to tell me. It wasn't until a week ago that I noticed I was leaning back on the right side and felt no pain when I turned my body so that no pressure would go on the left. My woo hoo moment had arrived.
I realised I no longer needed my past to support me. I had been sitting without leaning back (past) for almost 3 weeks allowing mySelf to get acquainted to the 'new' Me . I also became curious that when I leaned to the right (sphere/masculine) side I had no pain. The nurturing (left side) aspect of the Family Hero strategy I ran in the 'past' no longer supported who I Am now.
As for protecting mySelf when people came towards me I simply used my voice to let people know it was there. I did not have to protect mySelf!
I sit here now comfortably leaning back on both sides with a new awareness about mySelf and how I CHOOSE to move through my world. The inflammation and pain is gone and began disappearing shortly after my realisation. The body is true GENIUS!
Thursday, November 20, 2008
The Force
As I sat in my home today and looked out at the fresh blanket of snow I felt peaceful and calm. There is something magical about living here with 20 acres of space surrounding me.
The peacefulness and calmness I began to realise in that moment was superficial, not bad, but superficial. Somewhere in the depths of my Being I felt a restlessness arising mixing with the calmness, the sensation began feeling more like a force. The only way I can describe this force is a deep, swirling dancing motion that feels all consuming and calming in the same breath.
My intellect wanted to grab hold to suffocate this force by asking questions like: 'why can't you appreciate all the things you have worked for and just live simply? Don't complicate things- you have everything you could ever want. You just can't be satisfied..no matter what!'
Not needing to know where those voices from the past originated I took a breath and settled into the force within my body just long enough before I heard 'mom what's for dinner'. I wanted to stay there for a second longer and then it occurred to me I could remain here because it was ME not just a sensation. Big Breath here- imagine ME just being ME! No need to hold onto a sensation just owning it and claiming it as the force that I am.
I can live simply, whatever moves me in this moment is SIMPLE. It may not be the Websters dictionary definition or the nominalization of simple but it will be my simple for that moment. The moment I look at something that would appear daunting to my intellect I can know it is simple for me in that moment by the way my body responds! The genius is I am simple in an unconventional way- MY way!!! Oh my it really is My way- letting this settle in for a moment.
Not your way, not my family's way... mine all mine. I guess I will have to rethink my response when my kids say 'mine, all mine'.
There's that Force again!!
The peacefulness and calmness I began to realise in that moment was superficial, not bad, but superficial. Somewhere in the depths of my Being I felt a restlessness arising mixing with the calmness, the sensation began feeling more like a force. The only way I can describe this force is a deep, swirling dancing motion that feels all consuming and calming in the same breath.
My intellect wanted to grab hold to suffocate this force by asking questions like: 'why can't you appreciate all the things you have worked for and just live simply? Don't complicate things- you have everything you could ever want. You just can't be satisfied..no matter what!'
Not needing to know where those voices from the past originated I took a breath and settled into the force within my body just long enough before I heard 'mom what's for dinner'. I wanted to stay there for a second longer and then it occurred to me I could remain here because it was ME not just a sensation. Big Breath here- imagine ME just being ME! No need to hold onto a sensation just owning it and claiming it as the force that I am.
I can live simply, whatever moves me in this moment is SIMPLE. It may not be the Websters dictionary definition or the nominalization of simple but it will be my simple for that moment. The moment I look at something that would appear daunting to my intellect I can know it is simple for me in that moment by the way my body responds! The genius is I am simple in an unconventional way- MY way!!! Oh my it really is My way- letting this settle in for a moment.
Not your way, not my family's way... mine all mine. I guess I will have to rethink my response when my kids say 'mine, all mine'.
There's that Force again!!
Thursday, November 13, 2008
The Time is Now
The time is now! It is time to wake up and to look at the life I have been creating for the past 31 years. How does this sit in my body- what are the sensations? There is urgency- tomorrow may be too late, but is today too soon?
Last evening my body was tired and I found my mind happily taking charge and the conversation went- what are you doing Naomi, who do you think you are, people are beginning to ask where the 'old' Naomi went, what is your life going to look like without the stories and the drama you use to conjure up?
Today my body is rested and my mind has not been invited to play and the conversation is much different- one breath at a time, allowing life to unfold and listening to my body I have the sense I don't need to know what my life is going to 'look' like. As long as I show up in my life as the vibration of who I am life will meet me where I am instead of me trying to meet it in some place that my mind has created as a place that 'looks' good .
Trying to look productive while life is unfolding has been a means in which to compare and sometimes torture myself into believing I am worth it. Not only am I worth it but I am no longer willing to be anything but the vibration I am to make someone else feel comfortable. Big shoes- but I have Big feet!!
The softness, the strength, the voice, the silence, all these the Essence of who I am and it is all here- all of it my choosing- freeing choice moment by moment.
How can I commit to someone or something if the commitment to myself, to be mySelf, does not exist? The commitment to be mySelf in this moment and to embrace moving on when it calls.
The leader I was seeking has been here all along I just needed to shine my light on it.
The wings I was looking for have emerged and they are more beautiful then anything I could have imagined. The cliff I am standing at the edge of does not look so daunting knowing the wings I had at birth have been growing with me all along but I chose to tuck them safely away so I didn't feel 'different'. What I didn't realise was I was meant to FLY! Walking along the ground feels limiting- who knew?
Now that I see mySelf I see you and it feels wonderful!
Last evening my body was tired and I found my mind happily taking charge and the conversation went- what are you doing Naomi, who do you think you are, people are beginning to ask where the 'old' Naomi went, what is your life going to look like without the stories and the drama you use to conjure up?
Today my body is rested and my mind has not been invited to play and the conversation is much different- one breath at a time, allowing life to unfold and listening to my body I have the sense I don't need to know what my life is going to 'look' like. As long as I show up in my life as the vibration of who I am life will meet me where I am instead of me trying to meet it in some place that my mind has created as a place that 'looks' good .
Trying to look productive while life is unfolding has been a means in which to compare and sometimes torture myself into believing I am worth it. Not only am I worth it but I am no longer willing to be anything but the vibration I am to make someone else feel comfortable. Big shoes- but I have Big feet!!
The softness, the strength, the voice, the silence, all these the Essence of who I am and it is all here- all of it my choosing- freeing choice moment by moment.
How can I commit to someone or something if the commitment to myself, to be mySelf, does not exist? The commitment to be mySelf in this moment and to embrace moving on when it calls.
The leader I was seeking has been here all along I just needed to shine my light on it.
The wings I was looking for have emerged and they are more beautiful then anything I could have imagined. The cliff I am standing at the edge of does not look so daunting knowing the wings I had at birth have been growing with me all along but I chose to tuck them safely away so I didn't feel 'different'. What I didn't realise was I was meant to FLY! Walking along the ground feels limiting- who knew?
Now that I see mySelf I see you and it feels wonderful!
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Movement Found
When I named this blog just last month I had no idea how fast I would begin to create time and space. What I didn't realise at the time was the time and space I wanted to create was not so I could be by myself more, it was to create space for Spirit to enter my body and to spend my time 'as' this amazing connection.
My perception of Spirit in my body was just that- in my body. Last night I had an amazing experience during a yoga class where I felt my Essence as vast as the space I could imagine around me- no different then the Essence of other women in the room. I felt as though my body didn't need to be the border that protected me from my world . Instead I felt as though my body was permeable allowing Spirit to move through me rather then trying to 'capture it'(stagnation). It was so freeing to feel as though I was different from one moment to the next. Ah- maybe this was the movement I was seeking in my last blog!! I feel my body vibrating right now as this connection finds it's way into my awareness.
I had always perceived my Spirit/Essence to be 'my own' or who 'I truly am' but last night I began to feel that the Essence of who I am is no different then the Essence of who you are. I just have a different body and have had a different experience of Early Family Systems then you.
Imagine, allowing the truth of who we really are be the lens that Spirit shines through to guide our choices moment by moment. In turn creating the unique individuals we all are.
Right now in this moment-kids tucked in bed, quiet in my home and in my body I feel the borders of my body dissolve allowing the MOVEMENT I have been seeking.
My perception of Spirit in my body was just that- in my body. Last night I had an amazing experience during a yoga class where I felt my Essence as vast as the space I could imagine around me- no different then the Essence of other women in the room. I felt as though my body didn't need to be the border that protected me from my world . Instead I felt as though my body was permeable allowing Spirit to move through me rather then trying to 'capture it'(stagnation). It was so freeing to feel as though I was different from one moment to the next. Ah- maybe this was the movement I was seeking in my last blog!! I feel my body vibrating right now as this connection finds it's way into my awareness.
I had always perceived my Spirit/Essence to be 'my own' or who 'I truly am' but last night I began to feel that the Essence of who I am is no different then the Essence of who you are. I just have a different body and have had a different experience of Early Family Systems then you.
Imagine, allowing the truth of who we really are be the lens that Spirit shines through to guide our choices moment by moment. In turn creating the unique individuals we all are.
Right now in this moment-kids tucked in bed, quiet in my home and in my body I feel the borders of my body dissolve allowing the MOVEMENT I have been seeking.
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